Checked Off and Checked Out

 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord…”  -Colossians 3:23

I’m not really sure when I began making to-do lists. Junior high? High school? Birth? Order has always been paramount to me and making lists helps me organize my time, my life, my goals. I get a sense of satisfaction when I draw a line through an item or put a check mark, sometimes with a flourish, in front of a task. But I recently discovered there’s a dark side to all this list making and marking.

It happened a few weeks ago as I multi-tasked my way through the end of the day, and silently tossed up a prayer in response to a friend’s request. While still heartfelt, the communication felt a little perfunctory. It happened a few other times with prayers and also with exercise which I normally really enjoy. I realized I was just going through the motions, completely disengaged from some important things in my life. Somehow life had been reduced into a series of tasks to be accomplished and I was mindlessly attempting to finish them in order to move on to the “next thing.”

I wish I could say that since that epiphany I have changed and am now intentional about each of my prayers and all of my words and actions. That would just be a lie. Sometimes I am still checked out as I check off my lists. But I am trying daily to be more present in my own life, more aware of the inner narrative that is subtly and profoundly impacting my life and the lives of those I care about. And I’m drawing close again to the One who made me, understands me, and loves me whether I mark off all the tasks on my list or not.